I never liked to be home.

Friends.

Sweet humans reading this.

Whomever you are. 

I have been struggling. The last several years. And while I shared this in some ways, to this day, I still don't believe I have ever come clean about it completely. To anyone. Ever. That includes myself.

I will never blame anyone for the course of my life. And while I have cursed the names of a few key people, I can honestly rest easy knowing that placing blame on anyone else is the coward's way to handle life. I've learned more, clearly the hard way, during my 20's than I would have ever imagined. 

Life is not black and white or cut and dry or yes or no. It cannot be quantified. When we hear the question "quality or quantity?" I hope that with life we step back to note that it is, most often, a quality-centered series of events. 

Divorcee's: Don't waste your time being angry with one singular person. That anger, while warranted, will eat you up from the inside out. It will pour out of you and maybe it did begin with someone else, but please look at see that it is now with you. 

Mourning, grief, trauma... they are awful. They manifest in each of us differently. The way something has made you feel requires no explanation. But once it is within you, don't let it stay there. Be conscientious. Dance with that grief and then send it on its way. Life is a series of events and processes, and whomever declared the opposite was wrong. They should tell you when you're a teenager that things will keep going wrong for the rest of your life. They should tell you that it's normal and while we often try our best in any given situation, there is a force larger than us that we couldn't persuade if we tried. Life is one trial after another trial, whether they are long-lived, or three minutes long... and we all feel our own individual trials in our lives. Whether anyone is sharing that or not, trust me they've felt something. 

Some of us yearn for more. We are the makers of crazy and the movers of mountains. Sometimes you see us moving the mountains, sometimes it's just that feeling within us that there is more we are meant to do than our current life includes. It's a sentiment, a mantra, for us that we can't shake. If you're one of these humans, know it is a blessing and a curse. 

The busy and mountain moving and the hustle... oh gosh. It's a way of life. And for me, it takes a lot of my energy. I love it. It's invigorating and challenging and ever-changing. Personally, that's what I need and what I'm constantly searching for in this life. But I was doing that because I never wanted to be in my house. I didn't like the way the my house felt. Not to a fault of any one singular human being or another, but because of the way we came together. Home did not exist. I remember always saying "the house" rather than "home." So when we talked it went like this, "I'll see you at the house." and never "I'll see you at home." 

I can finally tell you that it's water under the bridge. Every now and again it will frustrate me. It frustrates me that I could have allowed so many things to happen. But I really can realize that I had a lot of unworked muscles. A lot of damage.

My 20s were so sad, friends. My gosh I was so sad. I cried every day. I cried constantly. And after I quit crying, I went silent. No one could actually reach me. Nothing would actually come out. 

...

But that was my way of coping. I spent time with my grief. I learned that the world is big and giant and stronger than I am. It's also stronger than any one person's influence on the trajectory of my life. Not many people stay with you forever. Some have short stays in our lives and some longer. Do not worry yourself when their time has come to an end in your life. That's how it goes. Right now, I'm happy. I'm so strong. Some days I surprise myself with my maturity, my outlook on life and the way I interact with others. Often, I fall short of what I wish I could do or be. But the beauty of it is that I get another chance to make things right and to get better every time I turn around. I get opportunities to better myself, to learn, to grow stronger, to prioritize, to create a safe and happy and wonderful childhood for my children. 

I can't wait to get stronger and to continue to grow and figure out how I can be better. I have many more mountains to move, and much more light to shine and so much love to keep giving. I can handle the bottoming out, I can handle the sadness and hard days and stress. I understand that there is something bigger and greater and that I don't have control over much in this world, except for myself. I am finally okay. I'm strong and confident. 

And the best part of it all is that I like to be home. 

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