i never know where to begin.

i never know where to begin. 

and i've never been much of a waiter. like the patient type (not the food service type).

i've always been more of an "I know where I want to go" kind of person, and admittedly, i used to think i knew how to get there. 

the problem with "there" is that it's subjective. and really, so is the how, the what, where, when and definitely the why. 

and while i've got you... what exactly are we doing here? 

i'm definitely not a planner. in fact, one of my coolest attributes is that i can do things on the fly. i generally don't have a specifically outlined plan. this is because when i do that, it never goes that way and then i put in all of that work for nothing. i've acquired enough base knowledge for the tasks i generally partake in, and that's enough for me. 

what i am learning, though, that there is no beginning and there is no end that we need to reflect on. we are here.

and then we are gone. 

so in my estimation, that's just one. one start. one end. 

i have such a story. and if you don't know me all the way, it's hard to know where to begin. so you'll have to just catch me where i am. and i think right here is as good of a place as any. 

i share. 

i overshare.

but i turned old and i share in ways and times and moments and methods that i have already allowed myself to grieve and process ferociously. so what you are getting from me is the abridged version. it's filtered. because it's uglier and more painful the original way. but that is what we all do as human beings.

so tonight (this morning, whatever time it is) i urge you to relax in the moment you are in. if you are somewhere in your life that doesn't make sense or finding yourself in a mess, take a deep breath. as ugly as it may be or as painful as it may feel, just stop for a moment and allow yourself to feel some peace, even if it's for 30 seconds. i know that in the midst of grief and confusion, we scramble. we fret. we go faster than we need to because we want to get out of it. this is the fight or flight reaction to stress. recognize it.

if the statement "i don't know where to begin" applies to you right now, take one second to remind yourself that you are not stopping and starting. you are continuing. you hit a bump, maybe it slowed you down a bit, but you didn't stop. remember there is just one start and stop in our earthly lives. to continue, though, is to simply continue. disregard pace. instead, look for peace. forgive yourself. allow yourself to feel your pain. the sooner you recognize whatever it is you are feeling, the sooner you can own it and make it your story.  

you don't need to begin. you don't need to "start over" because all that is broken and all that is beautiful is what made you and will continue to make you. and know that with every downward motion, we learn to cherish to ascent. sadness makes us enjoy happiness, being without allows us to enjoy and cherish abundance.

and when you start to catch those tiny fragments of joy again, they will be so sweet

who you are is special. you have specific talents and gifts and destinies that have been matched to you perfectly. so even when you are not in charge, learn to look for peace and rest easy that someone else has it under control. (this part is hard so if you are like WUT I CANT EVEN, that's normal, just give it some time). 

oh, and be patient. it sucks, i know. but love yourself and put one foot in front of the other and do the next right thing for yourself. these moments are here to teach us and prepare us for really, really, really great things that we know nothing about. so just think of it as a surprise party sometime in your future and not on your birthday. 

chin up, buttercup and LOTS OF LOVE and crazy making.

xo