The last few weeks have been trying to say the least.
I would like to equate it to when you're working out, holding the weight or squat or whatever and it seriously sucks. You know it will be over in just a short time, but you can't help but feel like crying or puking as you're in those few short moments. You even know that it makes you stronger. You even conscientiously make the choice to do it, because you know that working those muscles will make them stronger and eventually able to handle more weight.
My life has had a string of these awful, make you wanna cry or puke or both, kind of moments. The first few times they happened to me, I did have a hard time seeing the forest through the trees. I couldn't really see that it would get better, because it did feel that awful. (This is a story for another day) And as these trying situations have kept coming and standing face to face with me, I have become more accustomed to realizing that I would eventually come out stronger and better. As my life continues to evolve and grow, I keep facing hard things. It's almost as if I can't imagine something feeling worse, and then I do feel worse. That's discouraging. It's disheartening. I do my very best to stay positive and see the silver lining, but those moments to catch me and man it hurts.
I have had a really hard time facing the fact that at twenty eight years old, I have to rent an apartment. I have never rented an apartment in my entire life. I'm also realizing that I have an element of pride that's been hanging out somewhere in my soul, waiting to see this moment so it can show off a little bit to the vanity in me that's also rearing it's heinously awful head.
I'm not vain in the way of beauty or wanting to look beautiful. I'm usually a mess visually, and though I pride myself in being stylish, I'm not that person who always needs to look good.
What is coming into play here, is that I used to be really poor at the beginning of my young adult life. All 21 year olds are poor (at least they should be) but you see the thing is that I had a baby when I was 22. I was still in college for my undergrad. I was a single mom. My whole life flipped upside down and while I worked through finishing college, I still was broke. It felt awful to not be able to financially provide the type of life I wanted to give to my baby. (Jesus had our backs, though, because duh) We were never in that bad of shape, but I'll tell you that it's a very dark place in my heart that is just now getting some light shed on it. I felt unworthy, unprepared, and all of these awful feelings that a young, new, single mother can come up with. Once we came out of that, I promised myself I would never let us be poor again.
So I worked.
And that worked for awhile. It did really great things for us for awhile and it really still is. But right now where my life is at, I have to rent an apartment.
At twenty eight years old I feel (or felt) like I was back at square one. I was feeling defeated and discouraged and unworthy once again. You know, the feelings I thought I would never be re-visiting. I'm seeing now that that really dark place of my heart didn't get enough light shed on it yet, so here we are again, lighting it up. So in an effort to rid myself of that pride, I want to talk about the things that have gone on in these last 28 years.
At twenty eight years old, I have two kids. EEEEEPPPPP god gave me two little girls to be sisters. He granted my one greatest wish for the two of them; a lifelong bestie. I get to be called "mom." That is all I have ever wanted.
He gave me a chance to have what I wanted so bad, just so he could show me he knew better than me. My faith is growing and I am so much closer to peace in my life.
He gave me two really amazingly crazy, accepting, loving, fun, hilarious parents. He gave me the perfect parents. He gave me this life that would lift me to become this strong, independent woman, full of love to give out.
I have earned two college degrees. I am so proud of that.
I have gotten to teach teenagers, hug them, love them, advocate for them, reassure them, and connect with them. My greatest career wish.
I get to snuggle babies, talk with new moms, make pretty art, and also be a resource for these new babies for a short time. I get to hold little babies on a regular basis. My woman heart's biggest dream.
I have some really great people in my life. I always have someone I can call. I always have someone I can laugh with. I always have people I can share with, who want to talk to me, who come to me for advice, who come to me to share with me. I know a lot of people who support and encourage me. I am never alone.
I have a grandma who is the most amazing woman in the world. I have a mom who is the greatest person who was made exactly to be my mom. My dad is the most perfect dad for me.
I make people laugh. Maybe not everyone, hahahaha, but a lot of people. I make a lot of people smile. I make people feel comfortable. I am compassionate, caring, and I get opportunities to show that SO OFTEN. I am so grateful to have outlets that fit my personality and my heart.
I have had so many amazing vacations and memories made.
I have laughed as much as I have cried. That makes me so thankful that I can appreciate that laughter.
I have held Honduran babies and children. I've had them want to touch my hair because it was so light and touch my fingernails because of the nail polish. I've gotten to be a part of helping sick babies and kids and adults while on a mission trip.
I have gotten to be an ear to hear all the high school happenings and I have gotten to leave my mark on adolescents.
I met and made life long friends when I visited Ireland. I mean what?
I have gotten to see so many concerts that my eyes want to just cry thinking about it.
I have felt such deep, amazing connections and feelings and joy.
So at twenty eight, my life might not be what I planned it to be.
But thank GOD, I didn't get to plan it... it looks like I would have missed a lot of really amazing things.
Today, I turn my face towards the sun, and let those shadows fall behind me.