that light hits a baby's face.
I have been in this series of thoughts for several weeks now and there has been a certain stirring in my heart about why I am here.
As in, on earth.
Why am I on earth?
Knowing the answering or finding out the answer has been like the entire goal of my entire life forever and ever. It sometimes manifests itself in different manners, and I always seem to be satisfied with certain possibilities or scenarios for a short time, but it never lasts. It never lasts. I don't know why.
I can never be completely satisfied. I'll fill up with certain happenings, certain moments, tasks, ideas, certain people.
But it's almost like those things are just drops of gasoline in my tank that will eventually run out. And I'll need more.
So then being the person I am, I'm like "more of what?" "what are you doing?" "why are you doing it?"
And then I'm pulled back to wondering why I worry and think about so many things that I worry and think about. Thinking to myself I should stop.
This push and pull has been my thing for a super long time.
The problem is, though, that I have been placing my happiness in the hands of other people or outcomes or circumstances. Like if I can just book this certain wedding, I'll be happy. If I set out to do this many newborn sessions in a month, I'll be happy. If I make sure this one student can understand this one concept then I'll fill up. If I get all my laundry done, I'll finally be able to relax. If my girls can get to bed on time tonight, I'll finally be able to sit down and decompress.
So I chase from one thing to the other, looking for something that will fill me up. And I know I do this because I'm searching. It's like I'm constantly trying to load this webpage and the server cannot be reached. So I never get there.
A lot of the things I'm trying to chase after have consisted of this direct correlation or causation between whatever it is and myself: two parties involved.
But you see, what I can now understand fully is that I have been chasing after this purpose that is actually bigger than me.
I'm looking for more. I want to experience the unexplainable. I want to grow, inspire, and love, and do it for more than just me. I want to do it to do it, and do it for the betterment of those around me. I can't live just for me. That's shallow. That's too simple for me. It's too easy to be let down. And in all reality, what kind of reality am I in that I can truly believe I am meant to live for just myself?
For as unorganized as I am, I'm actually very particular and have very high expectations of myself. But I don't have much faith in myself. Which is really hard for me to admit. I kind of wait around to find the next thing that will make me feel full of love and complete and worthy.
But I'm already worthy. I was created to do amazing things, things bigger than myself. And I get put through the ringer because God knows that I have to figure a lot of things out before I can get to where I need to be to shine. And luckily, He also created me with transparency, honesty and empathy, and allows me to share of myself and to pour love out.
So I sit here and I work. I stopped on an image and was so full to the brim just by looking at it. I looked at this photograph and my heart swelled up. I said to myself "I just love the way the light hits his face." And there was a stirring in my heart. There is something inside me that emotionally and spiritually connects me to the things I do. Something that doesn't have a name.
And then I remember how much I want to experience the unexplainable. I want to do things that even words cannot adequately justify, the things that you just feel. And even though you could type a whole blog post on it to try to explain it, you're never going to be able to verbally quantify it.
Those things are magic. They are bigger than we are. It is bigger than I am.
I created this image of this baby and the way that the light hits his face is magical to me. And I did that. Something or someone worked through me to do that. I am a part of something that is more than me. My purpose is to be on this earth and hopefully be a door that opens to some magic... A door that opens to something that is bigger than I am, something that no one can adequately describe because you just have to feel it.