A dirty, water droplet stained post-it note has been barely stuck to the backside of my cell phone (you know, where the most important messages stay so they get relayed) for the last three days.
I've laid it in water drops, in coffee spills, and it's been squeezed and folded in the pocket of my sweater and slid between my planners/to-do list pads. And yes, in three days of my life, that's what will happen to you as a lowly post-it.
I firmly, completely, adequately believe in the persuasion, movement and delicacy of the holy spirit. Though I curse it every single day, a thousand times a day, I believe completely in the force of it. I almost rely on it. Some people call this faith.
The biggest lesson I have learned in the last several months of my life is patience. I have never been patient. I have never wanted to be. And then I did want to be and I just wasn't or couldn't figure it out. But now I have learned to wait on it. Rather than rely on myself to somehow "fix" all that is "wrong" in my life, I'm embracing the process of waiting. This is mostly due to the fact that I was not very good at getting myself where I wanted to go. I think this is where they coined the term "Jesus take the wheel." And if you know me, you have heard this out of my mouth probably more than any other utterance.
So where I am currently is in the patience, like I'm just in it. I don't know what else to call it because I don't exactly log the periods of my life in happenings, but rather in emotions. I like to look at my life as a series of lessons, so this one is going to be titled "PATIENCE" rather than the plethora of awful, shame-inducing titles that many might give it (and that many probably are). But I learned a long time ago that a lot of people are kinda jerky and the only person you have to answer to and live with at the end of the day is yourself. You know, the only human being you can actually control.
So instead of wallowing in the patience I'm trying like REALLY SUPER HARD to make it the best that I can make it. Some days I do so great, and then some days I'm like wow. The worst. BUT knowing that I have faith and that my only real job right now is to get through this and that someone else is figuring out the rest, well that allows me to rest easy. I don't have to figure out what to do next because at this point in my life, patience is my only job.
Okay so back to that gross sticky note that's still chillin' on the back of my cracked iPhone with a worn out case-
I finally paused today to breathe. Sometimes I have to mentally prepare myself for the waterfall of OH EM GEE that may come out as a result of this pause to breathe, so I specifically hold it back until the right time hits me.
I look up Isaiah because I am new at this and have no idea what I'm doing so I thumb through the super thin pages to find it and I get there and realize like "WOW isaiah has a lot of chapters like 43 okay hmmmm wonder what his story is about..." and I page through and page through and get to 43 and skim down 15, 16, 17 and nothing really good is sticking out to me so I think it's just going to be a dud like ew no thanks. But I get to it and it reads:
BEHOLD, I AM DOING A NEW THING; NOW IT SPRINGS FORTH, DO YOU NOT PERCEIVE IT? I WILL MAKE A WAY IN THE WILDERNESS AND RIVERS IN THE DESERT.
after three quite heinous days, this message is sent to me at a perfect moment for me to receive it. like THIS IS WHAT IT SAID.
And as with anything, when it's under construction it's usually messy. There's junk everywhere. It's not done, and we are impatient to get it there.
Girl, I'm proud of you. You broke apart, came undone and let me work in you. I know it's ugly right now, but BEHOLD GIRL I AM DOING A NEW THING. Easy come, easy go- remember that when you are moving in the direction of where you want to stay. Don't you see what I'm doing? I'm making a way specifically for you, in your specific wilderness. And in the place where there is no water and it is most dry, where there is nothing- I'm making something. I'm making a river for you in the desert that is your life.
-I bet he thinks that's funny, too ;)
so wherever you are, know that I FEEL YOU. I have been there.
love + crazy making