I am that person with so much always going through her mind.
And I've spent a lot of time lately working fiercely on making sure I am becoming the woman I want to be.
If you know me, you know that I often share a lot about myself and what I go through. Any adversity I experience will make itself public, by my doing, at some point or another. When this happens, I often think of one of my dear high school friends who would watch me learn the lessons, take the knowledge, and avoid any of the adversity herself. I hope that my sharing has done that and will continue to do that for anyone who is in the beautiful audience I have somehow been so blessed to accumulate.
I want to share, though, that as I have spent the last year uprooting my life, changing it all, and settling back into a new normal, it has required me to introvert myself. I am so guilty of reaching out for external validation, or someone to tell me that whatever I am doing is smart, good enough, or that what I am doing is making someone proud. I love to accomplish. I know that I have the ability to do great and grandiose things, so it's important for me to continue to do that. Doing that, pursuing "success," achieving... all of that, for so long, was directly connected to me running from the lack of peace and the unhappiness that existed in the core of who I was.
For many years, I could not be okay. I could not get settled. I couldn't find my place. I was a young mother, a new wife, and I was literally itching and covered in true discomfort. Every single day of my life felt wrong. And as I pushed so hard for it to be right or to feel right, I just couldn't get comfortable. Long story short, I spent all of my time looking outside of myself for ways to make myself comfortable without listening to me.
I didn't trust me.
I didn't value me.
I was not confident in me.
I never looked in the mirror or spent time on or with just myself.
If you are out there and reading this, make a vow right here and now that you will begin or continue to create a space to get to know who you are, what you need, what you value, what is important to you and what isn't. Promise yourself that anything that does not serve you will no longer have space in your life, no matter what it might be.
When my discomfort hit at an all time high, I hit rock bottom. I felt that I was swimming in failure. What I did not realize was that I was grieving immensely, and through that process I would need to take a close look at everything that had gone on in my life up to that point, and decide to forgive myself when I was ready.
This self-forgiving process is long, ugly, lonely and tedious. In whole, it has taken over a year to process the bottom line of my sadness: the general notion that I was not good enough. This manifested into unsuccessful interactions with anyone close to me, and in turn, I closed myself off completely in terms of letting anyone in to see what had really been going on. I believe we all have a certain amount of fear when it comes to our vulnerabilities being exposed, and personally my level of fear was crippling.
In all honesty, this was and continues to be the single best chapter of my life so far. It's like I've spent my whole life being eggs, sugar and flour, and now I'm finally a delicious cake. ;)
It's so easy in life to live in our sadness and wallow in the depths of our lack of confidence. Because there, we are comfortable. It sounds crazy, but look around and note how many miserable people are around you, how many people seemingly lack confidence, happiness, peace. There are a lot of them. The thing is, it takes a lot of mental strength to face yourself and the mess that you are. It is hard to one day discover that you are where you are because of what you have done. You have to let go of everything you've held on so hard to, because the real truth is that if you aren't where you want to be or who you want to be, you are probably a big reason why. You are your own anchor, docking your boat in whatever ugly place you might be stuck.
The good news is. It's so completely okay to be a disaster. It's okay to be in progress of something. In fact, I hope that any singular person I find is in progress or process or going somewhere. And I hope that wherever you are going, you meet yourself along the way. I hope you find yourself and choose to strip away anything that holds you down and doesn't serve you. I hope you understand the importance of your existence; more importantly, I hope you understand that your existence includes the adversity, and that it is often more defining and strengthening than any good thing ever is. Savor these seemingly awful moments, knowing that you are gaining knowledge, strength, confidence and at some point, you will use all of this and flourish.
What I discovered is this: I am capable of being anyone and doing anything I want. I get to choose. Falling in love with myself has been really magical, in that I have learned to cherish the time I get to focus on who I am. I've started to take care of myself again, push myself simply to get better at things, and learn to be open and let life do its thing. It's provided me with a sense of peace and more confidence in who I am and my life in general than I ever thought I could possess. Learning my value and seeing how dope of a human I was capable of being. And the value of reaching that dope human status is mostly valuable for me and the people I involve myself with. I hope to match my journey to the people who value these same things, and share my life with them. I aim to be a light in someone's dark and spend the rest of my life connecting with others in the quest for betterment.
So the abridged version is as follows: life can be really awful and feel like trash. See these moments as little nuggets of opportunity. Spend time alone. Alone in silence. Cry when you need to. Scream when you need to. Exercise. Make it known to yourself the ways you have gotten yourself where you are. Then be grateful for the chance to grow. Take it all in because it's all a part of this glorious life we get to live. Fall in love with you. After that, the rest seems to always fall into place.