evolution.

I have honestly had probably hundreds of ideas for blog posts in the last several months.

My life and my inner workings have been changing so much in the last year that I haven’t had time to process that brain work, let alone be able to paint a beautifully-worded picture of it to share with anyone.

The New Year has brought me much introspect. A couple of weeks before January began, I already decided what lifestyle and daily habit goals I was going to implement, and I have been going strong for about three weeks now. It really is as easy as that.

As I continue to get older, I feel more obligated to reach to the next level in terms of personhood. I feel like I am responsible for being a good person and for holding myself to a higher standard. As a parent, a teacher and a human being I really feel like I owe that to the world. I’ve spent a lot of introspective time nailing down my feelings and my behaviors as manifestations of my feelings and my life experiences, and I’ve always felt a strong notion of “living up to my potential.'‘ This time spent has drastically changed the way I view things and has really caused me to evolve. This feeling of living up my “potential” really just comes from somewhere within myself and has always caused me to be so self-reflective.

I’ve been back to Lincoln for about a year and a half now, and I’ve spent the majority of this time in survival mode. I am now able to really identify that, and while I was really deeply into that phase of my life, I was still continually attempting to analyze what I was experiencing, not even knowing that I was processing some trauma.

Now, I will never ever blame a single person for the way I have felt in life and I take full responsibility for being the type of person I am and for the decisions that I have made. But we can only run from the truth for so long. It’s hard to accurately analyze our experiences and our habits when we won’t identify them for what they are. And in this day and age it seems like we can’t do any of this without emotion or blame. Emotions are physical response and blame is a coping and processing mechanism. We feel pain and our sadness/anger is the response to alert our bodies that we may be in harm’s way. We are so quick to blame others for the things that go on in our lives, when if we would just take a step back take some time to process things, we would be in such a better place.

I see it slathered all over social media. Everyone on the quest to better themselves, and very few actually doing what it requires. It is simple, but it’s taxing. And honestly, it’s all a mind game with yourself that you are in the habit of engaging in. There is NO ONE who can change your life for you. There is no one who can build you up if you don’t already find some value in yourself. And if you think that you can do this and be surrounded by people who aren’t searching for betterment themselves, then you are really going against the current. I’m not saying it’s not possible to change in that scenario, but I am saying it will be difficult.

My promise to myself this year (aside from the smaller resolutions) is to be direct and true, painted in love. We are SO scared that we will offend someone and somewhere within that, we have lost the sense of excellence. We don’t want to hurt our friend’s feelings by telling them their behavior is toxic, so we don’t say anything and watch them slowly fade into a depression. We don’t interject when our friend is asking our actual opinion on something and we let them just go down the wrong road, and slowly watch as we could have helped them avoid making a poor business choice. Within this promise, is my promise to maintain a certain type of friendship and community. Being a people pleaser, it’s so hard for me to feel like I’m hurting someone in anyway. But the second downside to that mindset is that I am the one who takes the responsibility in my head of causing that negative situation. I feel bad about hurting them and then I feel bad about not standing up for what is right. It’s all about putting good into this world, and if we can’t be true enough with ourselves and one another, we will continue to avoid that.

There is no way I could securely make changes in my life without the community of people who I confide in with my deepest insecurities. I am able to share about where in my life I need to fix things, I am able to talk about goals, to talk about MONEY (if your friends are scared to talk about money and you’re a hustler then find new friends), to talk about raising kids and organizing my house and my lifestyle. I’m able to freely talk about the things that create the type of person I am working on becoming.

We are talking quality of life, impact, footprints, and legacy. This is not some stuff to prance around and not be serious about. I’m out of time for excuses, I’m out of time for reasons why not. I’m out of time for friends that can’t be truthful or open. I’m out of time for anyone around me who can’t shoot me straight.

The more I put truth and excellence on the front lines in my life, the more it is reflected back on me. And the BS has no place here. In terms of what I want for myself, my kids and those who are in my life is that we live our truths, set examples for others and hopefully ignite change or at least minimally make a positive impact, and that we create safe and honest communities of people who are working together to help each other.

As I continue to evolve, this will be my promise to myself and to those who follow along.

All laced with love. xo